The Cathal O’Riain emails: THOMAS COX

At last month’s internet themed brownbread mixtape show Kalle read out a couple of email exchanges he had conducted with some email scammers. In his guise as Cathal O’Riain, he delved deep into their world and returned triumphant with comedy gold. Here is the third of those email exchanges with Thomas Cox, dispatch officer, cash photographer, country music fan and total ledgebag. Please note, not a word of these emails have been altered (he really did quote all 12 verses of the Bob Dylan song!). Mr Thomas Cox’s crazy colour scheme of the email text has not been changed either. Enjoy!

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More Cathal O’Riain emails:

Cathal O’Riain’s email exchange with Gladys Faustino
– a tale of evil stepmothers, Kimmage mechanics and true love –

Cathal O’Riain’s email exchange with Carlos Knight
– Doing “the business” with a Knight in shining armour-

Cathal O’Riain’s email exchange with Patrick Joseph
-a tale of poems in exchange for a credit card-
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SUBJECT LINE: UPS Payment Details For Insurance Fee That Will Keep Your Delivery Safe

Ups Courier Express Delivery <upscourierexpressdeliv#####@gmail.com>
Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 7:33 AM

Attn: Cathal O Riain,

This is to notify you of a parcel containing a Check worth $5500,000.00  (Five Hundred And FiftyThousand Dollars) issued to us by Mr. Mc Cole and he has paid for the delivery Charges of your package.

Note: You are only responsible for UPS  INSURANCE FEE of $250.99cent , which is included in your deposited check as he has already made payment for the delivery of your package.

Therefore, you are to make payment through Western Union Money Transfer outlet near you to our accounting officer with the details below:

Receiver’s Name: Omoregie Roland, Receiver’s Address: Block 146 Cross Road Ikpebi Victoria Island Lagos Nigeria – Sender’s Name: – Sender’s Address: – Text Question: – Text Answer: – MTCN Number: –

Finally, get back to our office as soon as you have made payment through Western Union or Money Gram with the information of our accounting officer above, also with the MTCN / REFRENCE NUMBER in your payment receipt from Western Union or Money Gram and other necessary details for confirmation to enable us issue you an invoice and a tracking number as well.

I await your urgent response, as I also want to inform you that your parcel is right in my desk ready for delivery.

Tel: +234-703-022-2506
Best Regards,
Mr. Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy

Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 2:45 PM

Mr Thomas Cox,

Sounds good. Would it be possible to see a photo of the actual cash?

cheers

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Sat, Nov 20, 2010 at 1:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content herein understood and noted in our file, your request have been seem, but due to the quality and policy of UPS, we only show you the full image of your parcel, but we can not temper with the opening of your parcel, all parcel such as yours are fully intact and only to be opened by you the owner.

The attached  colum contains the Image of your parcel as requested by you. For Confirmation of your given address by World Bank, kindly fill out the information below …

… Do please make sure that all your informations needed are complete to avoid delay,  you shall make this promptly so that by Monday, your parcel can be delivered to your country.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 22, 2010 at 9:35 AM

Thanks!

I will send you the details later on today once I have met with my bank manager. I must also speak with my wife a little more. She is very suspicious about this transaction. I told her not to worry because I have seen a photo of the package already. My wife is always suspicious because one time she saw me trying to kiss Jenny at the office party. Don’t worry though Tommy I didn’t have it off with her, it was just a bit of an auld feel. Anyway, I will definitely get back to you soon with all of the details you need.

Have a great day my man

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Thu, Nov 25, 2010 at 5:00 PM

We write to let you know that we are still waiting for the provision of your contact details to verify it with the one we have in our custody for the delivery of your parcel and to also make the payment of the Insurance Fee which is $250.99cent. The UPS EXPRESS COURIER are delaying all parcel delivery going to your lacation, you are to make prompt communication of the required things we needed to make your delivery a success.

We are waiting you to make these provision so that your track number will be sent to you to monitor every location where your parcel have reached.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 10:18 AM

Yo Tommy,

Sorry about the delay. My pants got caught on this hook thing and tore it. Basically to cut a long story short I dont think I can contact the bank. I think this sounds like an illegal Nigerian scam and you are trying to trick me.

Can you prove to me that you are honest and that I should do this? Do you like Bob Dylan? I have never met a bad person who likes Bob Dylan. Write back to me or the deal is off!

Cathal

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SUBJECT LINE: Affidavit of Claim

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 2:33 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to use this medium to inform you that your parcel with us is real and intact safe and ready for delivery. but in the mean time. we’ll like to bring to your notice that for proper asurance and true evidence of the genuity of your parcel, we made contact with the World Bank Branch here in Nigeria to relay your curiousity to them and they was oblige to secure you Affidavit of Claim to us for the UPS EXPRESS to mail to you.

Do find the Affidavit of Claim in the attached colum to this mail. we do hope to hear from you with you contact details and your insurance payment fee.

One more thing who is Bob Dylan?.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 3:12 PM

Tommy,

I very much respect that you have sent me this affadavit. It seems totally authentic and definitely proves to me that your intentions are honorable. High five dude.

As for your question, who is Bob Dylan. Are you serious? Do you really not know who Bob Dylan is? Did you just arrive in a time machine?

Bob Dylan is basically the greatest songwriter of all time. He wrote pretty much every great song that has ever been sung. He is basically recognised as our modern day equivalent of Shakespeare. He is a musical ninja, a lyrical master, a shaman of the soul , a king of rock and roll. Have you ever heard of Knocking on Heaven’s Door (not the shitty Guns and Roses version) or All Along the Watchtower (Hendrix does a savage version of it) or what about Visions of Johanna, Simple Twist of Fate, Subterranean Homesick Blues, The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll, Desolation Row, Isis, Girl from the North Country, Hurricane, Positively 4th Street, Lay Lady Lay, Tombstone Blues, It’s Alright Ma, Idiot Wind or Slow Train Coming? Surely you must know some of those absolutely legendary songs? All of them are AMAZING!

The man is a total ledgebag and basically responsible for most of the great songs that we know in the world. The only other person who comes close is probably Bono. And dont tell me you dont know who Bono is. He is an incredible songwriter and singer with U2 and he has done loads of really good positive shit for Africa. He loves you, so I assume you love him too. If you dont know who I am talking about, its the short Irish guy with sunglasses and he does the peace sign a lot. The last three albums that he recorded with U2 were basically shite, probably because he was busy saving the world and that. I am not blaming you completely, but he definitely took his eye off the ball.

Anyway, I apologies for digressing completely there. I will send you my details in my next email but first you have to promise me that you will listen to the following Bob Dylan albums : Blonde on Blonde ; Highway 61 Revisited ; Blood on the Tracks ; Time Out of Mind (seriously underrated later album , produced by Daniel Lanois, who has also worked with U2 and Bono)

If you have time, take a listen to Achtung Baby and The Joshua Tree by U2. Epic songwriting. Incredible stuff. If you are in the right headspace definitely have a listen to Zooropa and Pop as well. Not for everyone though.

Anyway, get back to me as soon as you have had a listen to those albums. Then we can do the deal. I will send you my contact details and my insurance fee.
You seem cool. Thanks for being a part of my life and sharing in my interests. Talk to you soon duder

Cathal
P.S. I can’t believe that you dont know who Bob Dylan is. You looper!

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SUBJECT LINE: We Wait Your Payment And Your Contact Details

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 6:56 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we want to let you know that the UPS EXPRESS COURIER SERVICE are all most done with your delivery, so do make the provision of your contact details follow by your Insurance Fee so that we can deliver your parcel this week.

Well for the Artist Bob Dylan this is one of his songs.

Titled: 115th Dreams

I was riding on the Mayflower
When I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab
I have yuh understand
Who came running to the deck
Said, “Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder
Cut the engines
Change the sail
Haul on the bowline”
We sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do
When they are far away at sea

“I think I’ll call it America”
I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath
I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab he started
Writing up some deeds
He said, “Let’s set up a fort
And start buying the place with beads”
Just then this cop comes down the street
Crazy as a loon
He throw us all in jail
For carryin’ harpoons

Ah me I busted out
Don’t even ask me how
I went to get some help
I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down
To the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around
Saying, “Ban the bums”
I jumped right into line
Sayin’, “I hope that I’m not late”
When I realized I hadn’t eaten
For five days straight

I went into a restaurant
Lookin’ for the cook
I told them I was the editor
Of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome
He wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said
“Could you please make that crepe”
Just then the whole kitchen exploded
From boilin’ fat
Food was flying everywhere
And I left without my hat

Now, I didn’t mean to be nosy
But I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab
And all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley
When up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house
I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out
And robbed my boots
And I was on the street again

Well, I rapped upon a house
With the U.S. flag upon display
I said, “Could you help me out
I got some friends down the way”
The man says, “Get out of here
I’ll tear you limb from limb”
I said, “You know they refused Jesus, too”
He said, “You’re not Him
Get out of here before I break your bones
I ain’t your pop”
I decided to have him arrested
And I went looking for a cop

I ran right outside
And I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door
This Englishman said, “Fab”
As he saw me leap a hot dog stand
And a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building
Advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door
Like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor
And the man asked me who I was

I repeated that my friends
Were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card
He said, “Call me if they die”
I shook his hand and said goodbye
Ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road
And knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing
It just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said hello
This foot came through the line

Well, by this time I was fed up
At tryin’ to make a stab
At bringin’ back any help
For my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin
Like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go
Back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor suit
And I got a coin to flip
It came up tails
It rhymed with sails
So I made it back to the ship

Well, I got back and took
The parkin’ ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds
When this coastguard boat went past
They asked me my name
And I said, “Captain Kidd”
They believed me but
They wanted to know
What exactly that I did
I said for the Pope of Eruke
I was employed
They let me go right away
They were very paranoid

Well, the last I heard of Arab
He was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy
Sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was
When I was leavin’ the bay
I saw three ships a-sailin’
They were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn’t drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus
I just said, “Good luck”

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 11:39 AM

Tommy,

My main man! Thats a great Bob Dylan track. LOVE it. Thanks for sharing the lyrics.

What is your favourite musician of all time? Could you recommend some good music for me? I will buy that music when my UPS parcel arrives.

Thanks dude

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 12:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to let you know thatyou exspected to contact this office with your full contact details and your payment for your Insurance Fee, so that we can carry out your delivery at once.

Note that failure to make these fee and your details avaliable, your parcel shall be returned to the World Bank branch office here in Nigeria as an Unclaim parcel.

If you love country music do look for all album of my favorite country artist Don Williams.

Do make sure that all afro mentioned fees and contact are provided in your next mail to avoid return.

Do have a nice day

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 1:42 PM

Tombo

Thanks so much for your response. I really respect your efforts to talk about the finer things in life like music and culture.

I feel like we have learned some great stuff from one another over the course of these emails. In fact I look forward to your email more than anything every day.

I have just listened to Don Williams and I am knocked out. Beautiful gentle country music. I had a listen to his song “You’re my best friend” and it reminds me a lot of my friendship with you Tommy. Together we can discuss all kinds of cool shit, while a package of money (which may or may not be fake) lies unclaimed at your local UPS store. That, dude, is true friendship. It may even be love.

Let me ask you this. If I dont provide the insurance fee and my details and the package goes unclaimed, will you write to someone else or will it stay there forever? Is it possible to do it this way, you send it to me, once I get the cash I will send you the insurance fee and I will throw in a cool 1000 dollars just for you. No questions asked dude.

Let me know if we can come to some sort of arrangement like this. I would hate to think that the money is just sitting there collecting dust.

Talk to you soon “my best friend”

cheers
Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:12 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, it’s better to talk the real facts about your parcel, well it might interest you to know that the UPS is not just a courier company, but it’s a company with high and legitimate company all over Africa and in diasporal, we do not involve in fraudulent practice, but if you are not interested in the delivery of your parcel it shall be returned to the World Bank Head Quater.

Be aware that if you did not pay up your fee maybe we try to convince you, no we are direct and we have policy that covers all of our operation that we carry out.

The reason we ask you to provide your contact details, is to confirm it with the one we have to avoid mistake while delivery. If you know that you do not want to proceeds with your cliam let us know so as to send you a Discliamer Form for security reason.

Do have a nice day.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:37 PM

Coxmeister,

I get the feeling that our friendship has soured and things will never be the same. Are you a bit miffed?

I am not comfortable sending you money and so if that means you dont want to send me the money, then we have reached an impasse. No money no honey!

So what happens now? Do we end this friendship and correspondence? I am sorry that we are not finding mutual ground to agree to make this deal happen, but if you decide we cannot continue, then please know that you will always have a place in my heart and if you want to exchange music tips please feel free to write to me any time you want.

I would strongly recommend you listen to the music of Wilco. Their album “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” is probably the greatest album of the last 20 years. Have a listen to this song and try not to lose your shit completely: Jesus Etc. – Wilco

I look forward to exchanging music tips with you and hopefully sorting out this cash conundrum if you want to be cool about it. If we cant strike a deal, then please make sure you send the money from UPS to the Irish Government instead, they are strapped for a few bob.

Do have a nice day too. Seriously dude.

cheers
Cathal

P.S. I will never forget you

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 6:29 PM

Thank for the audence you have given, we will do as you have said, but note that this is a company address and if you would love to get in touch with me in person, here is my email address. murp####d@yahoo.com, we can always talk more there and share alot of Music Tips together.

Mr Thomas Cox

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 9:58 AM
The Coxman!

No worries dude. I will be in touch soon on your private email address. Maybe we can be pen friends and discuss music, movies and cool people we have banged!

later bro
Cathal

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2 MONTHS LATER

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Feb 4, 2011 at 1:50 PM

Hey Thomas Cox

Long time no speak!
I have been thinking about you a lot recently and I realise that I have been a bad friend. I wanted to write to you and see how you are doing.
How are you doing?
I just heard some amazing new music that you’re gonna love.
1. This one is action movie star Dolph Lundgren performing the Elvis classic “A little less conversation”. He also does karate in the video. VERY COOL!
2. This is a song called N17 by The Saw Doctors. One of the greatest Irish bands of all time from a famous mucker town called Tuam. Get ready to have your mind blown!
I look forward to hearing what you think about these songs. Please tell me about some of your favourite new music.
Talk to you soon old friend!
Cathal
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murp####d@yahoo.com
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 12:33 PM
DEAR CathalSORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN AROUND FOR SOME TIME NOW, I WAS FEELING VERY SICK, BUT I AM BACK NOW, I GOT YOUR LAST MAIL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. PLEASE I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO HELP ME WITH, DO READ BELOW.TOP OF THE DAY TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, MY NAME IS MR. THOMAS COX FROM NIGERIA.
I NEED YOUR HELP, I HAVE AN ONLINE ACCOUNT WITH A BANK IN ASIA AND I WANT TO TRANSFER MY MONEY TO COUNTRY NIGERIA, BUT DUE TO THE NATURE OF OUR BANKING SYSTEM, THEY CAN NOT MAKE THE TRANSFER DIRECT TO NIGERIA THROUGH BANK TO BANK TRANSFER.THE PROPOSAL IS SIMPLE AND IT REQUIRES YOUR TRUST AND KNOW THAT THIS PROPOSAL DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY OF YOUR FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS, BUT IT REQUIRES TRUST, YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY.ALLOW ME GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT ONCE AGAIN BY LETTING YOU KNOW THAT MY BANK IN ASIA WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO NIGERIA AND THE BANK I BANK WITH DOES NOT DO DIRECT TRANSFER TO AN ACCOUNT HERE IN NIGERIA BUT THEY CAN ONLY MAKE THE TRANSFER THROUGH ELECTRONIC INTER-SWITCH TRANSFER SYSTEM VIA CREDIT CARDS, THEY ONLY REQUIRES A VISA OR A MASTER CARD. AND WE DO NOT HAVE THAT FACILITIES HERE IN THE COUNTRY.I AGREEDED TO GIVE OUT 10% OF ANY TRANSFER MADE TO YOU IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT AND HELP ME IN THIS PROPOSAL AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO IT AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY I AM WRITING TO LET YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO HELP.DO LET ME KNOW URGENTLY IF YOU WANT TO INVOLVE IN THIS DEAL.

REGARDS
MR. THOMAS COX
+2348136622557

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 4:52 PM
You’ve changed.
later dude
Cathal O’Riain

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the brownbread mixtape is a free monthly
comedy, poetry & music show
in the Stag’s Head pub in Dublin, Ireland.

Each  show has a theme.
Each act does a performance based on the theme.
We all have loads of fun.
Simple as that.

We can be followed & liked in these places:
YouTube | Facebook | Twitter | Google+

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6 Comments

Filed under Oddity

6 responses to “The Cathal O’Riain emails: THOMAS COX

  1. Pingback: The Cathal O’Riain emails : CARLOS KNIGHT | the brown bread mixtape

  2. Pingback: The Cathal O’Riain emails : GLADYS FAUSTINO | the brown bread mixtape

  3. Jeffrey "El Jefe" Lee

    Cracking up over here. Great stuff. And also, I wanted to add: my father used to be a cabinet-level officer in Malaysia. Due to political malformities, he was forced to flee during government sanction and warfares. The funds that were comprised of his own sovereign reserves were left in third-party hands, United States Dollars, $800,000. I need your help in accessing these funds, will gladly pay you finders fee of $[squat], contact me at flushinghooligan@nytimes.sex.

  4. Pingback: The Cathal O’Riain emails: PATRICK JOSEPH | the brown bread mixtape

  5. Wow, what a friendship you struck up! Top of the day to you! Bloody love it! x

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